For When the Time Comes
by mindschimera
Summary: What happens when Shizuo discovers a box under Izaya's bed that brings into question what really is behind the intricate plans of the famous Shinjuku information broker? Shizaya. Established Relationship AU. Rated M for Smut and Thematic Material
1. Chapter 1

"Ahhh Shizu-chan that was great"

Izaya and Shizuo lay side by side on the bed in the afterglow of their previous activity. Izaya had called Shizuo over to his apartment earlier that afternoon with the promise of lunch after a long week of work for both of them. One thing lead to another and before they knew it they were in that sweaty tangle of limbs they knew all too well.

"It's been too long since the last time, flea" said Shizuo panting. He looked over at Izaya wearily, reaching over to move damp strands of raven hair away from his forehead before giving him a chaste kiss.

"It really has… almost forgot how good you are in bed, Shizu-chan" Izaya wrapped his arms around Shizuo's neck while he chuckled and deepened the kiss.

"Need me to remind you again?" whispered Shizuo along the shell of his lover's ear.

Izaya shivered underneath his touch but reluctantly denied him

"Maybe later, I have a client coming in at around eight to pick up some documents and I'd like to be able to walk to get the door." He kissed him lightly on the forehead and began to untangle himself from his arms.

"I'm gonna go take a shower, what time do you have to get back to Tom?"

"Not until 4."

"Alright, after I'm done do you want to watch a movie or something?"

"Yeah sure, that'd be nice." Shizuo watched Izaya get up stark naked from the bed and walk over to the adjacent bathroom. Once the door was closed, he was left alone to his thoughts. He contemplated taking a cigarette out of his pants pocket but he knew Izaya would smell it and chastise him for 'sullying the immaculate air of his apartment' as he said last time. He chuckled at the memory and began to pick up his clothes from the bedroom floor.

As Shizuo silently got dressed, the only noise coming the soft splashing of water from Izaya's shower, he took a moment to appreciate Izaya's room. It wasn't nearly as big as Shizuo thought It'd be when they first begun their relationship, and it wasn't as posh as he thought it'd be either. He had a simple queen sized bed in the middle of his room with a bit of storage underneath and a fairly large dresser and closet off to the side. Afternoon light flowed into the room through a wide window that looked over the city for miles. Besides perhaps a breathtaking view there wasn't really anything overly extravagant about his room. The only thing on his walls was a large calendar riddled with notes and some kind of abstract painting Shizuo hadn't bothered to really look at until now.

He was almost fully re-dressed in his bartender, save for his bowtie which was nowhere in sight. Frowning he got on his hands and knees to look under the bed. He spotted it quickly lying next to a silver box labeled "For when the time comes"

"Hah?" questioned Shizuo as he absentmindedly fastened his tie. Curiosity ate at him and before he knew it he had pulled the box from under the bed and fumbled with the latch. Once he was able to get the lid off, the contents of the box only served to confuse him.

"What the hell?" The box contained about ten or so non sealed envelopes addressed to different people. There was one for him, Shinra, Celty, Kadota and a couple others. Even Simon had a letter addressed to him. He picked up the envelope addressed to himself, noticing that written on the front was "Shizuo Heiwajima" and not the stupid nickname he always called him. He carefully pulled out the letter inside and began to read what it said.

_Dear Shizu-chan,_

_ If you're reading this letter, then I have some good news for you, and a whole bunch of other people. I, the great Izaya Orihara, am no longer among the living. Before this letter reached your doorstep, I ended my life with a bullet to the head. I know how much you would've loved to kill me with your own hands, but consider yourself lucky that I went ahead and did all the hard work for you! Aren't I just the best? Anyways, I'm still not quite sure what happens after death, but if I still exist to care after I'm dead, you can bet that I hope you'll meet the same fate soon. The world would be a better place without a stupid confusing monster like you around anyway. In a way, I'm going to miss the little fights we used to have together, you were such an entertaining little toy, but now you're just going to have to play without me._

_Hatefully yours, _

_Izaya Orihara._

A cold crept into Shizuo's body that made him want to scream, vomit and cry all at the same time. He stared at the words blankly, wanting to reject them with every fiber of his being. _Maybe this is just a joke…_ Shizuo looked through the other letters frantically, his heart sinking when his eyes ran over the same sentence over and over again

_I, the great Izaya Orihara, am no longer among the living_.

He frantically dug through the small box, desperately trying to find something that would convince him that this was all just a prank until he felt a cold heavy object. Underneath the pile of letters was a small revolver, the one he would use to end his life. Shizuo could feel himself shaking as he found that it was loaded with just one fatal bullet.

_So he's serious…_

In the next second the shower water stopped, meaning Izaya would be coming in at any second. Shizuo quickly put all the letters back in their envelopes and stashed the gun away underneath. He pushed the box back in place underneath the bed and tried to look as calm as possible when the bathroom door creaked open.

"Hey sorry for taking so long" said Izaya as he rapidly dried his hair in a towel. He walked briskly over to his closet to change into a grey hoodie and black shorts. "So what movie do you wanna watch? I know you aren't too big on educational stuff but there's this documentary on Machiavelli that just came out on Netf- Shizu-chan are you even listening to me?"

Shizuo had completely blanked out looking into Izaya's face. He didn't come across as being depressed in any way so he had no idea where this could have come from. How could someone just be so nonchalant while having _the gun they intend to kill themselves with_ underneath their bed?

_For when the time comes_.

"Shizu-chan?"

Shizuo snapped out of his trance, realizing that he was probably staring. He gazed into Izaya's eyes that were now filled with concern. He felt his heart wrench gazing at those eyes. He needed to get away, he needed to think…

"Oh hey… uh sorry… I r-realized that I actually need to leave… Tom had another job for me to do… I'll talk to y-you later."

Shizuo quickly crossed the room, refusing to make any eye contact with Izaya.

"Um ok… See you later I guess Shizu-chan…" called Izaya as he watched him walking out of the door.

Shizuo exited the apartment briskly, reaching into his pocket for his cigarettes as he got onto the elevator. While descending, he couldn't help but re-read the letter over and over in his mind

_I, the great Izaya Orihara am no longer among the living._

He lit his cigarette

_I ended my life with a bullet to the head_

He inhaled

_Now you're just going to have to play without me_

He exhaled

_Hatefully yours_

"Goddammit, Flea."

Shizuo found himself walking to a park bench a couple of blocks away from Izaya's apartment to collect his thoughts.

_So the flea is suicidal…_ Thought Shizuo as he lit his second cigarette of the day. He couldn't believe it. Izaya thought suicide was stupid solution to a solvable problem. He would mock people on the very rooftops they wished to kill themselves off of, _for fun. _To him Izaya seemed he liked he loved life more than anything. He would always tell Shizuo about his day or how much he loves his humans. He was always optimistic about his own endeavors, willing to try new methods when old ones didn't work. Shizuo loved always seeing that particular glint of pride in his eyes whenever he figured something out or made a clever comment.

"THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE!" Shizuo said aloud, gripping his hands in his blonde tresses. He suddenly froze when he remembered a conversation he overheard between Izaya and Namie.

_That's mean, Namie-san….Aren't you rather spiteful today?...Certainly, it may only be a matter of time till I become a middle-aged man. But you know, I really won't age. I mean could you imagine me being 40 or 50?... You can't, can you? Could it be that I… won't live that long? Or you could say I'll just stay as I am._

At the time, Shizuo just thought he was talking about his stupid "Forever 21" bullshit… He didn't think he was actually serious about the prospect of him not living too long… How could he have been so stupid not to really _listen_?

Shizuo pulled out his phone, gazing at the background picture. Izaya had taken it when they were in that same park once. They had even been sitting on the same bench. Shizuo wasn't really smiling in the pic, but Izaya looked beautiful, and he couldn't help but believe that they looked good _together_. Looking at the picture always filled his heart with a warmth that never seemed to leave, but when the thought hit him that this warmth might leave the world forever, he could feel himself shaking, his vision blurring with tears that threatened to pour.

_Not today._

Shizuo pushed on his blue shades and got up from the park bench


	2. Chapter 2

The rest of the day seemed to pass in a haze for Shizuo as he went back to work with Tom. They only needed to collect money from three guys who all didn't put up fight once they saw Shizuo trailing behind. It wasn't as if Shizuo was in any mood to fight anyway with all the thoughts running through his mind.

_Hatefully yours_

"Tch…" Shizuo mumbled to himself as he walked next to Tom.

"Hey Shizuo we're all done today. I'll see you tomorrow around 10 like always."

"Ok Tom… See you tomorrow."

As he was walking away, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket.

[New message from Flea: All done with work, still coming over?]

Shizuo paused, wincing at the prospect of seeing Izaya so quickly after learning about the box, but at the same time, he didn't want to leave Izaya alone either. He sighed, typing his response to the text

[Yeah, I'm heading over now.]

[New Message From Flea: Yay :) now we can watch that movie like we were supposed to before Tom-san took you away :( ]

Shizuo smirked at his boyfriend's childish use of emoticons and typed his reply

[Haha I guess we will… See you soon…]

He walked in the direction of the train station thinking about what he was going to say to Izaya about this whole ordeal. He couldn't just go up to him and ask 'Hey flea, so I noticed you're suicidal. Let's talk about that!' Knowing Izaya, even if he asked, he probably wouldn't want to talk about it, or would lie about what he truly intended to use that gun for. Shizuo fumbled nervously with his cigarette lighter in his pocket as he felt the train lurch forward. He silently cursed the 'No Smoking' sign above the door and made a silent resolution to pull out a cigarette the second he stepped off of the train.

_Maybe it would be best not to mention it at all_. Thought Shizuo. He hadn't considered how old the note really was. For all he knew, it could've been written a long time ago, stowed away and then forgotten about.

This particularly made sense considering the tone of the note. It had been months since they had been seriously trying to kill each other, and even then it had been mixed with violent sex every now and then. Once they made their relationship "official" they still fought frequently and had disagreements but it was nothing compared to the animosity that they used to share. Izaya had even said out loud to him on one occasion. _"I don't understand how I ever could have hated you as much as I did Shizu-chan. We're more alike than anyone I've ever met… I'm not going to say this a lot, but I actually do appreciate you… and what we have right now"_ It was the most heartfelt thing he'd ever heard the flea say, and as much as Izaya liked to argue that it was just his brain on a post-orgasmic high he knew that it was from the heart.

Shizuo smiled to himself as he got off the train and fished out the cigarette he was itching for.

_Just you wait flea, I'm going to give you a reason to stay_

Izaya and Shizuo sat snuggled together on the couch watching that documentary Izaya was talking about earlier. Shizuo had no idea what it was even about, choosing instead to study his lover's face each time the video talked about something that sparked his interest.

"_The Prince_ was such a good book Shizu-chan. This documentary does a really good job explaining his philosophy though. I'm sure even a brute like you could understand Machiavellian politics after watching this."

"Yeah."

Izaya craned his neck to look up at the blonde behind him.

"Are you even watching?"

"No…But I like watching you…"

Shizuo leaned in to give Izaya a kiss on the lips. Izaya returned it greedily, but then quickly pulled back.

"I know Shizu-chan is a chain smoker, but you really outdid yourself today… everything ok? You only smoke like this when you're stressed."

Shizuo really hoped Izaya wouldn't notice his accelerating heartbeat at that statement.

"Yeah, I'm alright… just a rough day at work I guess."

"UGH, me too. As much as I love my humans some of them can just be so BORING! Today I had this woman come in looking for information on her husband's rival company and hearing her talk for half an hour about how he 'always gets home late' and 'never makes time for the kids' just made me wanna kill myself."

Shizuo let out a nervous laugh that boomed through the entire apartment. Izaya paused to stare quizzically at his face.

"…are you sure everything is ok?" asked Izaya. That look of concern returned to his face, and Shizuo considered bringing it up right then and there.

But he didn't, and just kissed him instead.

"Yeah I'm alright."

He brought his lips to his again, deepening the kiss until Izaya moaned. Izaya turned to face Shizuo, slinking his arms around his neck and bringing their bodies even closer.

"Hey… still up for that second round I promised earlier." Izaya whispered seductively along the shell of his ear.

"Mmmmmn. I might just take you up on that…" he chuckled. "What about that Macaroni documentary you were watching…"

Izaya fished out the TV remote from under him and paused the video.

"It can wait."

Izaya went back to kissing his monster, pressing his tongue along his lower lip begging for entrance. Shizuo complied immediately, allowing his tongue to explore the warmth of his mouth. Shizuo picked him up by the waist and carried him to his bedroom. He set Izaya down on the edge of the bed and began peppering kisses along his neck while Izaya wrapped his legs around his waist. With his legs firmly on the ground, Shizuo slowly ground their crotches together, eliciting a lewd moan from Izaya.

"Mmnh Shizuo…"

Shizuo chuckled into his kisses and moved to pull off Izaya's shirt.

"I love it when you say my name, my real name." Shizuo leaned down to give a soft bite onto Izaya's neck. "My name is Shizuo Heiwajima, try to get it right."

Izaya laughed at the obsolete taunt. Between thrusts from Shizuo, his arms scrambled upwards to undo the buttons on his vest and shirt. His arms explored his bare chest and back, his fingernails leaving red trails and pulling his body closer to his. Shizuo moaned at the skin on skin contact and moved his hands to Izaya's belt, dragging his pants and boxers down with it. His length immediately sprang up uncovered and Shizuo got down on his knees to take it into his mouth.

"Mmmnnh Shizuooo" moaned Izaya, bucking his hips into Shizuo's mouth. He tangled his fingers into blonde tresses as Shizuo moved a hand over his thigh to keep him from moving so much.

"Hmmmn Sh-Shi-zu-chan. Ahh you almost never go down on me. What's the occasion? Ahh-I didn't forget my birthday again did I-AHHHHH"

Shizuo didn't let him finish that question as he gave him a rather hard suck on the tip. Izaya sat up quickly and reached over to yank Shizuo on top of him on the bed.

"Let's stop playing around" said Izaya lustfully as he pulled his face down to his. When Shizuo pushed his tongue into his mouth Izaya could taste himself and he felt his cock twitch with need.

"Mmmnh Shizuo I want you…"

Shizuo stood up briefly to remove the rest of his clothes, allowing Izaya a moment to appreciate his body. Years of lifting objects 10 times his size has earned him abs and arms that would leave both men and women lusting after him and Izaya smiled selfishly knowing that it all belonged to him. Shizuo reached over onto his bedside table to grab his bottle of lube and immediately started coating his fingers in the slick substance.

"Ne, Shizu-chan? Let's skip the foreplay this time, I'm ready."

Shizuo cocked his head to the side in a way that Izaya couldn't help but find cute.

"You sure flea?" said Shizuo as he began coating his own erection instead.

"Yeah, besides I'm still a little loose from earlier today."

Shizuo placed himself between Izaya's legs and lowered himself down so that their chests were touching. Gently, he pushed himself inside of Izaya, watching his head roll back into the moan he gave while being stretched. Once he was in to the hilt, Izaya moved his head back to face him, breathing in unison with his lover. As their noses brushed lightly against each other, the mood shifted in the room. What was once a lustful atmosphere was now more of an emotional one, and as their eyes met, they could both feel that gentle tugging at their hearts they tried so hard to ignore months ago. Time seemed to stop when they had moments like this, when sex was more than just sex and their glances were more than just glances.

Shizuo smiled softly down at Izaya, who nodded slightly signaling that he could move. As they maintained eye contact, Shizuo slowly thrust into the warm heat enveloping his cock. Izaya moved his hands from his shoulders to his neck to gently pull him into a passionate kiss while rolling his hips upward to meet each of Shizuo's thrusts. They both moaned as they found a slow but sensual rhythm, focusing almost entirely on the connection they shared.

Shizuo shifted his angle slightly, brushing the tip of his cock along Izaya's prostate. He threw his head back in response allowing Shizuo to suckle on his neck while he thrust quicker and harder into that spot.

"F-fuck Shizuo I'm close." Breathed Izaya as he weaved his fingers through blonde hair.

"Mmmn- Me too."

Shizuo removed his lips from Izaya's neck and placed his forehead against Izaya's, locking eyes with him again as he sped up his thrusts. They both began panting into each other's mouths, sweat making its way from Shizuo's brow down to Izaya's nose.

"F-uck ahh, Shizuo. H-harder t-there. Shit…yes."

Shizuo complied immediately pushing himself further into that wonderful heat. His hands gripped the pillow underneath him, trying to keep his thrusts even as he reached his climax.

"Sh-Shit Flea… f-fuck..fuck."

Izaya let out a loud moan as their movements became even more erratic.

"God yes! Yess! HAH! Shizuo I'm gonna- haahnnnn"

Shizuo felt his walls begin to tighten around him and all at once he came into that tight heat. He felt the ecstasy of release in every muscle of his body and he smiled looking down at the sticky mess between their chests, realizing that they had come at the exact same time. Shizuo's lips returned to Izaya's aggressively as they both rode out the pleasure of their orgasm.

_God that was amazing_ thought Shizuo as he pulled out of him. They were still making out with the same fervor they were making love with and Shizuo wondered if they were going to have a second round. He got his answer when Izaya pushed him on his back and kissed down on him, passionately tugging down at his lower lip with his teeth.

"Shizu-chan…." Whispered Izaya as he began peppering kisses along Shizuo's neck.

Shizuo groaned into his ministrations, reflexively jerking his hips upwards into Izaya's. Their half-hard lengths brushed against each other and both men let out a moan.

Izaya then sat upright on Shizuo's hips, guiding his dick into his hole. Izaya hissed at the stimulation, but then began to roll his hips forward.

"Ahhnn s-so good." Whispered Izaya placing his hands on Shizuo's chest. Shizuo placed his own on Izaya's waist, keeping him steady as he rode his length. They found a rhythm once again, Shizuo jerking upwards to meet Izaya's hips every now and then. Izaya leaned forward to continue kissing Shizuo and this new position allowed Shizuo's cock even better access to Izaya's prostate than in the first round.

"F-fuck, there!" cried Izaya as he moved his hips faster.

Shizuo moved a hand to Izaya's dripping length and began to pump him in time to his movements.

"Ahhh SHIZUO"

Izaya came hard into his hand and fell back down on top of Shizuo. He quickly leaned up to gaze at his face, finding that recognizable look of bliss.

"Did we come at the same time again?" asked Izaya almost casually.

Shizuo nodded and leaned up to give him a chaste kiss. Izaya chuckled lightly, leaning his head against his chest, hearing his heartbeat slow down with exhaustion.

"We're getting good at this, Shizu-chan"

Izaya got off of him briefly to drag the covers around them and snuggle close. He turned the lights off in the room and Shizuo wrapped his arms around his waist.

"That was the best sex we've ever had."

"I agree… that was heavenly Shizu-chan."

As his breathing slowed down, Shizuo could tell Izaya was drifting off to sleep.

"Hey… Flea. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure Shizu-chan." Said Izaya sleepily

Shizuo ruffled his fingers through his hair.

"You… you know that I care about you right? Like a lot? And that I'd miss you if something bad were to happen."

He placed a gentle kiss on his cheek.

Izaya paused and looked up to gaze into Shizuo's eyes.

"Of course… And I care about you too… like a lot. And I'd miss you too…"

Shizuo's heart fluttered at the words and could feel the exhaustion of the day pulling him to sleep. Izaya let out a yawn and snuggled closer to Shizuo.

"Yeah, I care about you a lot. Even if you are a stupid protozoan."


	3. Chapter 3

The days following that night were hellish for Shizuo. Although his worrying had gone down from a state of high emergency, whenever he was away from Izaya he would just get anxious. He couldn't sleep at night because of the frequent nightmares he would get of Izaya killing or hurting himself. Worst of all, Izaya was inundated with work that week so calls and texts between them were few and far in between.

He had been relying on his job with Tom as a means of distracting himself from the issue, but when Tom started noticing his state of disarray he had gone ahead and given him the next couple of days off. Now Shizuo was victim to his own mind and it was driving him crazy. He sat on his couch clutching his phone, debating whether to call Izaya for the _3__rd_ time that day. He really hated to seem possessive, or distracting, but he just needed to know that he was ok. He kept trying to convince himself that the note was just a false alarm but that damn label on the box surfaced all of his doubts.

_For when the time comes_

"FUCK IT!" Screamed Shizuo as he ran to the door to put on his shoes. "I can't fucking live like this anymore. I need to see him. We need to fucking sort this out."

Shizuo stormed out of his apartment, reaching into his pocket to grab his fourth cigarette that day.

_I don't care what it takes Flea, this needs to stop right the fuck now._

As soon as Shizuo got off the train he started running to Izaya's apartment, as if to chase off his own fears. He laughed maniacally at the irony. "Ahh Flea, even after the fighting stopped here I am, still chasing after your crazy ass."

When he approached the posh apartment complex, he caught his breath and began ascending up the elevator. As he made the short journey up to his floor, he couldn't help but worry about how this would go. _Either way,_ thought Shizuo as he walked towards his door. _After tonight maybe I'll finally get some answers._

His hand hadn't even reached the doorbell when he heard a noise.

_BANG_

All at once it was like the air was ripped from Shizuo's lungs. He couldn't feel anything, his muscles were frozen in place, his face locked into a shocked expression. The color seemed to fade from the world around him and in the next second it was as if his mind had only known one word.

_No_

_No_

_Nonononono_

His heart started hammering in his chest as he finally willed himself to move.

"Izaya." He choked out

_I'm too late. I'm too late. It's all my fault._

_"_Iz-aya…"

_This can't be it, this can't be how it ends, no. NO!_

"IZAYA" screamed Shizuo as he pounded on the door to no avail. "IZAAYAA"

_It's all my fault. Why didn't I just throw the box away? It's all my fault…_

He could feel hot tears streaming down his face as he kicked his door down. He sprinted into the apartment, making his way cautiously to his bedroom.

_Oh God. It's all my fault, I couldn't catch you in time, It's all my fault, Izaya I'm so sorry…_

He swung the door open to find his bedroom empty and tidy as usual. He dove under the bed to where he knew the box was and found that all the letters and the revolver were as he left them.

_If everything is still here than this means…_

"Shizu-chan? Shizu-chan! What are you doing here?!"

All at one everything seemed right in the world.

Shizuo immediately leapt at the source of that voice and pulled him into his arms. He nuzzled that thin, warm body under his chin, tears of relief rolling down his cheeks and into his hair. He couldn't help but weep uncontrollably for the man he thought for sure was dead.

Izaya had no idea what to do. He had _never_ seen Shizuo cry _ever_. He didn't even think the brute was capable of any reaction other than rage, but here he was, crying into his shirt like a child who had lost his mother at the supermarket. Izaya didn't really know how to comfort someone, much less get someone to stop crying, so he figured he would just stay there with him until he stopped.

"Shizu-chan…. Why are you…?"

"I th-thought…dead…" muttered Shizuo between sobs.

"Shizu-chan I can't understand you when you're talking like that. Just calm down and tell me what's wrong, ne? Who's dead? Did a relative die or something?" Izaya tried his best to be supportive.

"No…" said Shizuo trying to calm down his sobs. He pried his face away from Izaya's neck and began to rub furiously at his eyes. "No… Izaya, I thought _you_ were dead. I thought I lost you…"

Izaya's eyes went wide

"Why the hell… Why would you think I was dead?"

"I heard a noise… It sounded like a gunshot…"

Izaya paused pensively for a moment before slapping his forehead.

"Oh no… Shizu-chan! I just dropped a pan when I was cooking dinner and it made a really loud noise… that's all. I ran back in here to get some towels to clean up the mess."

Shizuo could've laughed at the situation. He had really been fine this whole time… But now Izaya was staring at him like he was the biggest idiot he'd ever seen. Like he was a dumbass for thinking that it was anything more than just a pan dropping on the kitchen floor. Like he was being the paranoid, clingy boyfriend. He fucking hated it.

"Don't you dare fucking look at me like that, you piece of shit."

Izaya's smile turned into a confused scowl.

"Like what, Shizu-chan?"

"Like _that_. Stop looking at me like I'm a fucking idiot for thinking that you were dead, for thinking what I really heard was a gunshot."

Izaya had no idea what he was talking about, and wasn't quite in the mood to try and figure it out. "Oh, my Shizu-chan's touchy today! I mean really, why can't you just be happy that it was a false alarm? Maybe Shizu-chan hit his head on something hard and now he's hearing things and is all paranoid and delusional. Shall I call Shinra? Or maybe you can just _tell_ me why your panties are in a bunch without me having to play a protozoan guessing game. "

Shizuo was beyond furious. He had hurt him before but _never _like this. Shizuo didn't even respond, he just dove under the bed, grabbed the box, and held it in front of him.

"If I'm such a protozoan, Izaya. If I'm so 'paranoid' and 'delusional' then tell me what the fuck this box is really for."

All of the color drained from his face as the box was pushed towards him.

_Fuck._

Once his eyes finally shifted away from the box and onto Shizuo's face, set in such an angry and hurt expression, eyes and cheeks still pink from crying, he knew that it was going to be one of _those _kind of nights. Those nights where their personalities clashed at the deepest level and Shizuo wouldn't rest until he broke down each and every one of those layers he took such a long time to build up. He was not in the mood for one of _those_ nights. He still hadn't answered Shizuo yet, but he could feel himself starting to panic, looking for ways to run away.

"I'm not doing this right now." Said Izaya finally as he began to walk away. Shizuo quickly grabbed him by the wrist.

"Yes, you are Izaya. Stop trying to run away."

Izaya turned to face him and began to violently tug at his arm. _I hate when he does this. I hate this I hate this I hate this…_

"SHIZUO. LET. GO." Yelled Izaya as he began to feel helpless within his grasp.

"NO Izaya. Not until you tell me why the fuck you want to kill yourself..."

Without the option of running, Izaya had to resort to the tactics he knew best.

He smirked.

"Wow who'd have known you would get so riled up about the prospect of me killing myself? It's really endearing. I had no idea Shizu-chan liked to fuck me so much that he'd be crying like a toddler at the thought of me dead. I mean, I know I'm a good fuck, but wow!"

Izaya regretted those cruel words the second they flew out of his mouth. He didn't feel better after disrespecting Shizuo like that, after hardening his heart like that. He didn't even bother to dodge the fist that came hurling towards his face. Once it connected and he could feel himself falling, he didn't even bother to try to stand up. _I really am despicable aren't I, Shizuo._

"YOU CUT THAT SHIT OUT RIGHT NOW. YOU DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME LIKE THAT. I AM _NOT_ ONE OF YOUR GODDAMN CLIENTS." Shizuo knelt down next to Izaya trying to assess the damage he caused his cheek. Izaya refused to make eye contact with him as he rubbed his face. "I wanna talk to Izaya right now, not the fucking Information broker, not the 'god among humans' but Izaya. The Izaya I made love to last week. The Izaya that likes documentaries and fatty tuna and French toast. I want to talk to THAT Izaya right now."

"He's not here right now…" said Izaya obstinately. Shizuo could tell Izaya's voice was cracking, and he suddenly realized that he had no idea what kind of territory he was trespassing on. He tried softening his voice.

"Please… Izaya, just help me to understand what's going on here."

Shizuo got out his letter from the box prepared to read.

"Don't…" croaked out Izaya trying to hold back tears.

"_Dear Shizu-chan, if you're reading this letter, then I have some good news for you, and a whole bunch of other people_"

"Shizuo…"

"…_I, the great Izaya Orihara, am no longer among the living. Before this letter reached your doorstep, I ended my life with a bullet to the head. I know how much you would've loved to kill me with your own hands, but consider yourself lucky that I went ahead and did all the hard work for you! Aren't I just the best…"_

"Stop…"

_ "…Anyways, I'm still not quite sure what happens after death, but if I still exist to care after I'm dead, you can bet that I hope you'll meet the same fate soon. The world would be a better place without a stupid confusing monster like you around anyway. In a way, I'm going to miss the little fights we used to have together, you were such an entertaining little toy, but now you're just going to have to play without me…"_

"Please, Shizuo…"

"_Hatefully yours,"_

"STOP" Izaya nearly yelled. His eyes were definitely red now, but he still had yet to shed a tear. "That was written before… we were us."

"But you still want to go through with this don't you?"

Izaya stared up at Shizuo silently

"Because if you don't… then why don't you unload the gun and burn up all those letters."

Shizuo reached into his pocket for his lighter and tossed it to him.

"Go ahead, Izaya."

"…Shizuo."

"Go ahead. Here's the time when you're supposed to prove me wrong…"

"…"

"You're supposed to call me a protozoan or a stupid brute and tell me that everything's fine. That everything's always fine…"

"…"

"Go ahead... Izaya… I-I've seen you use a lighter before. Y-you know how t-to burn…"

"Shizuo, don't"

"…Izaya…"

Izaya crawled into Shizuo's lap and allowed himself to be held onto again.

"Izaya…oh my god…."

Shizuo held onto him tightly as the tears returned to his eyes and fell down his cheeks.

"Oh my god… you're absolutely serious then? You're absolutely serious?"

Izaya rest his head against his chest, willing himself not to cry.

"Maybe, I don't know…I'm sorry, Shizuo. I never meant to hurt you like this…"

"Never meant to hurt me? So you were just going to do this one day? Without even telling me there was a problem? Like just one day you were going to be gone? And there wouldn't be a damn thing I could do about it?"

"Shizuo, I told you that was written before we started our relationship."

"But you still plan on killing yourself right, so it doesn't matter when it was written, does it?"

"…"

"Izaya, please… Where is this coming from? I want to fix this, I want… I want to make this better."

Izaya craned his neck to face Shizuo.

"You're not blaming yourself are you? Shizuo, I'm not your problem to fix…"

"No, but I can't just sit here and do nothing while you plan on ending your life. Especially when I didn't even notice that you were depressed this whole time."

"Depression isn't the issue. I don't think I've ever really been depressed before… not even when I wrote those notes…"

Shizuo was confused.

"But if you aren't depressed… Why are you so intent on taking your own life…"


	4. Chapter 4

"…I can't tell you that."

"Izaya, please. I just want to help you."

"I can't tell you that, Shizuo."

"Why do you keep doing this? I thought we were past this. Why do you keep shutting everyone out who tries to help you?"

Izaya felt his cheeks burning.

"I don't know…I- "

Tears began to fall down his cheeks and he began shaking with a combination of fear and frustration. Shizuo held him close, turning him around to face him.

"Izaya, please, just tell me what I can do to help you… I just… I love you and I just don't want lose you."

_Oh god._

Izaya didn't do anything to stop the tears running down his face. Shizuo continued to hold him close while he sobbed.

"Why would you say something like that…? Why would you say something like that to _me?_" choked out Izaya as tears continued to fall.

_I hate it when he does this. I hate it._

"Because it's true. I love you, Izaya please tell me what's going on."

"I can't…"

Shizuo kissed his forehead and rubbed his arm trying to get him to calm down.

"Izaya, shhhh don't. I'm here, I'm here. I love you, please let me help you…"

"I can't…"

"Why not?"

"Because, Shizuo…." Izaya wiped away his tears and tried to even out his voice. "…If I told you why, you wouldn't want to be with me anymore."

"No, no Izaya. I just want to help, I won't leave you, I can't leave you just please… tell me what's wrong."

Izaya could feel his walls breaking down, his heart fighting it's way to reach out to Shizuo's, but his mind kept putting up that block.

"I can't… I can't trust you, you won't want to be with me anymore… I don't want to lose you Shizuo, I can't be alone again… I can't go back to how it used to be with us. I can't be alone again…"

Izaya sobbed harder into Shizuo's chest. He was frustrated with himself for not being able to open up to the one person he cared about the most, but at the same time he knew that if he told Shizuo what the plan really was he wouldn't be able to look at him the same way again. He couldn't risk that. He could still feel himself trembling but Shizuo's soothing embrace began to calm him down.

"I'm sorry Shizuo…"

Shizuo lifted his face towards his gently, wiping the tears away with his thumbs. He leaned in and kissed him gently but passionately, cradling Izaya as if he could break from the lightest touch. When he pulled away, he looked at him with such a loving expression that Izaya could feel all of his inhibitions melt away.

_He'd done it again, and what within an hour? You're getting a lot better at tearing me down to my most vulnerable state, Shizu-chan, I'm not quite sure how I feel about that._

"Izaya, please. I promise you that I won't leave you. You don't have to worry about being alone again. Not while I'm here. Just tell me what's wrong and we'll get through this _together_"

_Oh, I bet Shizuo…_

"Fine… I'll tell you everything."

Izaya exhaled and tried to keep his voice even. He rest his head back against Shizuo's chest to avoid looking him in the eyes when he talked.

"Are you familiar in any way with Irish folklore? Particularly the legend of the dullahans?"

Shizuo cocked his head in confusion but decided jut to go along with whatever Izaya was saying.

"…not really…"

"Well the legend has to deal with these headless faeries who ride on black horses, carrying their own head under their arm. They're called dullahans. They're believed to be a kind of "reaper", and their appearance at a person's location signals their impending death."

"….Ok well, what does this have to do with you wanting to kill yourself?"

"I'm getting to that… Basically, this is what I think Celty is, an Irish dullahan, but I think her role in this universe transcends the Irish legend… In Norse Mythology, there exists this place called Valhalla, a sort of heaven for Viking warriors where they prepare for the events of Ragnarok."

"The Norse End of Days?"

"Exactly… so Vikings are delivered to Valhalla by Valkyries, which are another kind of faerie."

"And you think Celty is a Valkyrie…"

"Yes. And so I wondered why Celty walks among mortals... I think that because Celty was separated from her head, she can't fulfil her purpose just yet." Izaya hesitated. "Through a couple months' worth of intense planning and connections I now have Celty's head in my possession…" Izaya felt Shizuo's heart beat faster. "You see, Valkyries take only the victorious in to Valhalla, so my plan was to create a war in Ikebukuro that only I could win in order to "wake up Celty's head" and have her take me into the afterlife."

Izaya paused, waiting for a response from Shizuo, but when one didn't come he continued.

"But… the thing about the afterlife… is that you have to die to get there. Vikings can only reach Valhalla if they die valiantly in battle… for a while, I was banking on the fact that I could get you angry enough to kill me…" He felt Shizuo tense around him. "And if you wouldn't kill me, I could probably get some trouble for myself with the yakuza… but I made sure that if all else fails, I could have a back-up that I could control and come to terms with, and that's where the box comes into play. When my plan comes into fruition, I wanted to have the option of killing myself open."

Shizuo still hadn't responded and Izaya was beginning to panic.

"So… there you have it Shizu-chan. You wanted to know what was wrong with me so I told you…"

Izaya's gaze fell towards Shizuo's hands and found that they were clenched at his sides.

_No…Shizuo don't leave me._

"Aren't you going to say something…?" said Izaya weakly. He held his breath in agony as he waited for a response, his teeth painfully sinking into the flesh of his lips.

_Well at least he hasn't killed me yet… But now he's probably going to walk out of my life forever. Well fucking done Izaya…_

He felt his heart sink until he felt his cheeks being cupped again.

_What the?_

Shizuo gave him another kiss on the lips and continued to hold him close. When he pulled back, Izaya noticed that Shizuo had a calm smile on his face, and Shizuo reached over to ruffle through his hair.

"Oh Izaya-kun, what am I going to do with you? Just when I think you can't get any more insane…"

Izaya was confused at his demeanor, he thought for sure he'd be filled with rage at the thought of him using Celty's head for the purpose of immortality.

"Does this mean you're going to leave me?"

Shizuo smiled and placed him back under his chin.

"Of course not, Izaya. I wasn't lying when I told you I wouldn't"

Izaya breathed a sigh of relief and allowed himself to relax against Shizuo's chest. He felt safe again within his embrace, but he knew this probably wouldn't be the end of the conversation.

"…I can't let you go through with this though…"

"Which part?" said Izaya although he was sure of the answer.

"All of it. You can't just use Celty like that… Especially if you still want to have Shinra as a friend."

The way Izaya tensed at his wording signaled to Shizuo that he had probably considered this before.

"But Shizu-chan you don't understand… This is what I've been preparing my whole life to do…"

"What if it doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"…I'll figure something else out…"

"If you can figure something out then, why can't you figure something else out now?"

Izaya was quickly becoming aggravated.

"Shizuo… you're asking me to give up on my life goal…"

"No, I'm asking you to pursue other alternatives."

"Shizuo, you don't understand this is my chance-"

Shizuo cupped Izaya's cheeks again so that they would be face to face.

"I understand perfectly." Shizuo said tenderly. "Look Izaya, I know that you're not just scared, but terrified of what happens after death. I know that you're scared that one day you'll just disappear and it will be as if you never mattered. I know that you're scared of… nothingness."

Izaya looked at him wide eyed.

"How… how could you have possibly known that about me?"

"Because I know _you_. You aren't scared of much Izaya, but it didn't take me that long to piece together what you _are_ afraid of…Also you talk in your sleep."

Izaya frowned.

"What do you suppose I do then, Shizu-chan?"

Shizuo smiled.

"I have no fucking clue flea, you're a smart guy. I know you can figure it out."

Izaya continued to frown, but Shizuo cut him off before he could offer a retort.

"Let me ask you something flea. If someone would have come up to you nine years ago, pointed at me and said 'you see that guy over there? The guy you cut the shit out of the other day? That man is going to be your boyfriend one day' would you have believed them?"

"No…"

"And would you have believed it if the same person told you that you'd one day own the head of the famous black rider?"

"No… what are you trying to say Shizu-chan?"

"What I'm saying is, plans change. People exceed your expectations and change when you least expect them to. That's kind of the fun part I think. You can't tell me that everything that happened between us over these past nine years was all a part of your plan. You'd like to think that it was, but that's just a lie. We have no idea what's in store for us within the next year, ten years or hell, even fifty years if we're fortunate enough. You've said it before, there's so much going on in this city that even you don't know anything about, but what about in all of Japan, or even the whole world. You've always said you wanted to see America, but you got to be alive to see it don't you?"

Izaya looked away from him "Yeah, but-"

"But nothing. It's ok to be afraid of what happens after death, it's ok to not be sure. Hell, I'm scared of what'll happen to me too, but not to the extent that I can't enjoy the blessings of the present. You gotta trust me on this, there's a lot more living you have to do before you can worry about death. And when the time comes… hopefully later rather than sooner, I'll be with you every step of the way, I promise. You don't have to shut people out anymore. You don't have to figure this out alone. You don't have to do everything alone anymore, please don't forget that."

Shizuo smiled back at Izaya and let go of his cheeks. Izaya was stunned, he couldn't really tell whether he was just emotionally exhausted from the conversation or simply touched by Shizuo's kind words. Maybe it was a combination of both, but it seemed as if they both knew that things were going to be different after this night.

"I won't forget that…. I trust you…"

The softness of Shizuo's eyes as he let out that confession made Izaya's heart flutter, as if it were possible to fall even _deeper_ for this man that he used to despise. He nuzzled his head back onto Shizuo's chest and closed his eyes.

"I love you Shizu-chan."

Shizuo's eyes widened and he tugged him into the hug firmly.

"You've never said that before…"

Izaya chuckled into the embrace.

"I know… I was afraid that if I told you, you'd use it one day to destroy me."

Izaya wriggled out of Shizuo's arms and grabbed the lighter that was on the ground. Sighing as he moved off of the floor, he snatched all of the letters from the metal box and dangled them over the flame. He opened up his bedroom window and tossed the charring papers onto the city streets to never be read from again. He took the revolver out of the box as well and threw the single bullet out of the window, following the charred remains of the letters. When he turned back from the window to face Shizuo he was smiling softly.

"But the thing is Shizu-chan, I'm still scared as hell, and I think I will be for the rest of my life, but when I'm with you I'm no longer afraid."


End file.
